By DON HOWELL

With some frequency drug manufactures sponsor commercials touting the results of their latest research and development. They go to great lengths to encourage the patient to demand that the doctor prescribe this latest wonder drug after the patient has performed his or her own diagnosis.

Most notably of late is a drug for restless leg syndrome. This medication is supposed to stop your legs from moving. To me, this sounds a little dangerous. Suppose nature calls around three a.m. and you have just dosed on the medication for rls. Could be a little embarrassing but I stray.

I keep hoping that someone will come up with a medication for some of my syndromes. Since I retired I need something for rrs. That is "restless rear syndrome." It strikes me around 11:50 a.m. on Sunday morning when the preacher is getting into his sermon. If I'm not preaching I have a tendency to start squirming and wiggling.

When I mentioned this to Sandy, she said, "now you know what the rest of us have been going through for the past forty-three years."

I also have dns which is daily nap syndrome. For some unexplainable reason I get the urge to take a nap around 12:45 p.m. I'm not sure I want a medication for this syndrome because it is not all together unpleasant and I can lie perfectly still in the absence of rrs.

There is another more sinister syndrome. It is eia syndrome, or "eat it all." I don't care what it is; I want to "eat it all." If Sandy brings in a Hershey's chocolate silk pie I am smitten with this undeniable urge to "eat it all."

I have also noticed this syndrome when she brings in Edwards Lemon pie or when she prepares strawberry shortcake. In the interest of science and for the betterment of mankind, I believe I will experiment with other foods, desserts in particular. I suspect there would be symptoms of eia upon an encounter with Little Debbies, Twinkies, Snicker bars, chocolate cake or Leann's oatmeal cookies. I won't know until I try.

There are other syndromes such as dsd which is "don't shave daily," and, fas which is "fiddle around syndrome." There is also dcg which is "don't cut grass" and iddw which is "I don't do windows."

So now you know. I have enough idiosyncrasies and syndromes to keep some enterprising drug company in business for a long time. As of the present, there are no medications for my special problems so I just suppose I'll have to suffer on.

So all you drug companies, get with the program. Just don't get in too big a hurry. I'm making out pretty well and I believe I can hang on for a few more months.