Swallows, buzzards migrate

March 25, 2008 07:22 pm

— By DON HOWELL
Well, the two major migratory events for which the world awaits have occurred. The swallows have returned to San Juan Capistrano and the buzzards have returned to Hinckley, Ohio.
I suppose we can all rest a little easier, just knowing that the order of life has not been disturbed and that there are some things that we can count on happening regardless of the state of the world.
The swallows returning to Capistrano has been the inspiration for a love song in which one man proclaims his undying love and devotion to his sweetheart. I hope that she remembered the event and was reciprocal in affection.
I don't believe that there is a love song commemorating the return of the buzzards to Hinckley. Somehow it just doesn't fit.
Can you imagine being off with your honey, parked in some secluded spot and you suddenly feel inspired and you hold forth in song, "When the buzzards come back to Hinckley, Ohio." Just doesn't seem to work does it?
In Hinckley there is an official "buzzard watcher." I saw him on a news report as the buzzards circled high overhead. He announced, "I see the first buzzard. The time is 11:58 a.m" It was then his duty to call the local officials and announce that the event had begun.
I feel a little uneasy when we feel compelled to appoint someone as the official "buzzard watcher." Some bureaucrat in Washington will eventually get wind of this and determine that this is a job only for the government or a labor union.
From that time forth the buzzard watcher will be the "Avian Carrion Disposal Inspector." He will be on the government payroll for upwards of $150,000 per year with full benefits including full salary at retirement. He will need at least ten assistant ACDI's who will try to regulate the return of all buzzards to coincide with some government holiday.
If some unlucky buzzard happens to return on a day other than that day designated by the head ACDI then the poor fowl would probably be captured in a net, placed in a cage and only released after congress holds hearings, Nancy Pelosi waves her arms and gives a papal blessing and Al Gore decides that buzzards do not indeed contribute to global warming.
George Bush would be blamed for the failure of the buzzard to appear on the appointed holiday and that would be another reason for Obama to yell about "change we can believe in."
Hillary would declare the buzzards’ failure to comply with the official edict just another reason to get our troops out of Iraq, a war which she approved of before she opposed it.
I can live with the swallows and buzzards as they migrate.
There is a certain comfort in their dependability and regularity of nature. There is a natural rhythm and reason for their annual trek.
However there is one migration that has no rhyme or reason and that strikes fear in my heart. This migration and return of these animals causes a chill up and down my spine and makes my blood run cold while at other times it makes my blood boil. I quiver and quake each time it happens.
What is this migration of which I speak? It is when all the pachyderms and donkeys return to Washington. Someone write a song about that. Someone in Hee Haw came close. "Gloom, despair and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery."
Yep, that's the elephant and donkey migration song.