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Life, Liberty, and….. Conspiracies?

By CLAY MERCER

Americans love a good conspiracy.  We always have.  That’s why mystery television shows, movies, and books have always done so well in the market place.  Americans also apparently love filth and fantasy, otherwise I can’t find an explanation for why Fifty Shades of Gray and The Walking Dead are both so popular.
However the filth and fantasy fixation does help to explain why everyone is so focused on this year’s presidential election.  Republicans are slinging mud at one another (which I believe is the dumbest possible tactic) and Democrats are producing, apparently out of thin air, one fantasy after another to capture the attention of possible voters.
The major difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans believe that if you work hard and earn something, you should get to keep it.  Democrats believe that if you work hard and earn something, you had to have been taking advantage of poor people to do so, therefore you should forfeit your stuff to the government so they can give it to people who didn’t work for it.
I have a friend who hates the Walton family because, since they own the Wal-Mart chain, they control 40% of the wealth in the country.  Never mind the fact that they employ 1.4 million people, making them the largest employer outside of the federal government.
Recently when Wal-Mart closed a bunch of stores, this man cheered.  Never mind the fact that nearly 16,000 people lost their jobs.  Why would he cheer?  Because he’s a Democrat and, given our example above, Democrats love things that are bad for America.  Republicans, on the other hand, love things that are good for America.
I think you get the idea, but what does all this have to do with conspiracies?
Well, last night I learned, for the first time, that there is a “vast right-wing conspiracy” at work to ensure that Hillary Clinton doesn’t get elected to the White House.  Apparently, although there is no conclusive proof, the Republicans are behind this conspiracy and are funding it by attracting ‘multi-millionaires’ to donate money to the project.  As I live and breathe.
Let’s see…the Republican Party was founded in 1854 by anti-slavery enthusiasts and some of their ‘cronies.’  (I used the word ‘cronies’ because that fits the conspiracy theory better.)  Abraham Lincoln, that bleep, was the first Republican president.
So, if my math is correct, the Republican Party has been around for 162 years with the express intent of electing its own members to the presidency, preventing Democrats from becoming president.
I know some people can be a little slow on the uptake, but it seems a little absurd to me that Hillary Clinton is just now catching on to the idea.
It also seems a little disingenuous of Ms. Clinton to use the term ‘multi-millionaires’ when referring to her opponents when she and Bill have a net worth of over 80 million dollars.  To me, that sounds more like the pot calling the kettle a son of a bleep.
As a staunch right winger, I feel compelled to visit a few instances that may have slipped the minds of many voters.  Whitewater real estate investing? No biggie, it’s just a coincidence that she and Bill were the only two participants who were never indicted for fraud.
Bill’s womanizing?  Oh, but that’s not really Hillary’s fault.  Who’s kidding who here?
Benghazi?  Yes, Hillary, it really does matter to most of us how those people died.
A vast right wing conspiracy to keep you out of office? You betch’um, Red Ryder.